At least when I grow up to be like my parents I know I'll be cool.

So I started dating people online back in the early nineties, back when it was on 20/20 as "OMFG U R DATING VAMPIRE LARPERS!!"  Oh my, how things have changed. Now there are whole sites dedicated to dating and sex hook ups. I've joined several, at first to abate loneliness, but now I've found a gold mine of amusement.

So I've learned that: showing off your cock in your first email to a girl is the way to get into her pants, spelling and grammar are negotiable, and discreet is just another word for infidelity-in-action. Oh, and I think these sites are populated all by men, trying to hook up with girls, but just end up hooking up with other men who are masquerading as women.

My mother is on this "fruit diet." I don't know a thing about it other than she eats fruit. We're at the store tonight stocking up for Thanksgiving and she's got a papaya, which I smell when I pick up, so I comment on how yummy it smells. She says, "Yeah, Papaya has an enzyme in it that helps burn fat." So I reply soberly with, "Well, if that's the case, I can't have any because I'd burst into flames."

Try explaining that one to a cop..."Yeah officer, she just burst into flames....I think it was the papaya."

I'm not mad that you cheated on me. I'm not mad that you made vows to me that you broke so quickly. I'm not mad that you left me with all of the bills. I'm not mad that you left all of your things here for me to pack up for you nicely. I'm not mad at you because you left me with the cats. I'm not mad at you because everyone looks at me like a mutant when I tell them you've left me for a married woman. I'm not mad at you for the seven years I spent trying to make you happy. I'm not mad at you for calling me a liar and that I made no money when the federal government can prove you wrong. I'm not mad that you're a hypocrite.

I'm mad because you left me alone to deal with these things.

Ranty goes live.